September 23, 2011

Oh, Boy!

So, it's been a long time - with justification. Nathan started working 40 hours a week instead of 30 about 6 weeks ago (while going to school full time and having kids and me and Med school stuff to take care of). My Pap-pap (Grandpa) died 5 weeks ago and we went up to Utah for the funeral. Then both of my kids got Thrush (see previous post) and Kate didn't nap or sleep or eat. Then we came home and Nathan started his last semester of undergrad ever :) :) :) :) :). then Nathan's family had a family reunion. Then Nathan had his medical school interview at UNM. Then I had surgery to remove a ganglion cyst in my left wrist. Then Katie had her baby blessing and my family came down for that. Then just when we thought the month of going, going, going was done, Katie was hospitalized because her Thrush had gotten so bad that she had again stopped eating and sleeping. Zac was taken to different people to stay the night and Diko was left at home. He, Diko, developed some separation anxiety. Argghhhh. Oh. Boy. Now we're settling down. It's so nice to be settling down. I get to play with my kids again. Oh, yeah, and breathe.

Katie almost completely rolled over today. I put her in her pack n' play in order to change Zac's diaper. When I came to back to pic her up, she just had her little arm stuck underneath her and was on her tummy. She's been wanting to do this for a couple days now. Every time she's not restrained she tries to jump ship. Very entertaining.

Today Diko was chasing his tail and Zac thought it was entertaining, so, he started spinning in circles too. I really wish I had a camera nearby for that.

I try to go running every morning with the kids in their Cadillac of a double running stroller in one hand and Diko leashed in the other. I used to go running because I was passionate about running itself. Now I go running because it's alone time and because it helps me be kind and patient. I'm not as good of a mother, wife or friend when I don't run. Happy Note: I've lost an inch in circumference everywhere but my arms (I haven't been able to work them out because I had surgery) Also, Diko needs it; without his exercise he drives everyone crazy which is intensified by my lack of patients from having no exercised. Today when we got home and I was stretching - something I don't get to do very often cause Kate usually is hungry when we get home - Zac sat down on my lap with a book and wanted to be read to. It's been too long since we last read a book together; he's getting very independent. Also, when Zac sit on your lap, he backs up to you and then plops right down. It's so funny and characteristic of him. Zac has such an evident personality now. I wish you could all know him. He LOVES friends, making people laugh, helping his sister by shoving her binky in her mouth and "burping" her, his dog!!!, his Grandpa Blacker, raspberries and every other fruit, reading and playing in dirt and water.

We find out whether Nathan got into the UNM medical school either September 30th or October 3rd. It's getting really nerve racking for me. We moved down here in order to maintain residency and were reassured that it was what we should do. We felt like dong the early application program was the right thing to do too - it means we only applied to UNM and if we get in we have to go here. Anyway, we know it will work out. I am just having trouble being certain How it will work out.

I'm trying to be a better mom. I feel like I haven't been devoting enough energy and love to my kids. Sometimes I just can't wait for them to sleep so that I can sleep or do things I want to do. I'm trying everyday to remember that I Want to be a mom. I want to fulfill my divine purpose. It's not all about me and what I think needs to be done or what would make me most happy and comfortable. It's all about compromise; what my kids need, how close I am to losing it because the house is a disaster and I haven't eaten breakfast or lunch, how much sleep everyone has gotten, what Nathan needs, what would help others have a better day. Anyway, I'm trying. Best part is it's working. Self improvement here I am :)

I'm not sure how school's going for me. It is flat out hard. I've felt stupid for the last year about. I don't comprehend things. Yes, I've had two babies but still. That's how I feel. I have always wanted an undergrad degree and sometimes I wonder if that's just not what I need to learn right now. I know that I don't need to get my degree. But I love learning to an intense degree. I need mental stimulus. I enjoy excelling. Sometimes I wonder if I want a degree because people in the world will think better of me for having one. I don't want this to be a reason. It's so superficial. It's also hard because my family is very education oriented. Getting a degree is what you do. And I always thought it would happen in four years, not 8 years and marriage and two kids (so far) and medical school. Sometimes I feel left out because I'm the only one on both sides of the family who hasn't gotten an undergrad degree excepting Hannah (currently a junior at BYU), Shantae (17 years old), Abi (16 years old), Rachel (10 years old) and Nathan's mom, Kathren, who is working on getting into an Ultrasound tech program. I feel so lame. But then sometimes it doesn't matter. Sometimes it does.

Anyway, now that our lives are not so frantic, I'll be writing more.